8 Years and Counting... (Or should I say 16 years?)

My wonderful hubby and I celebrated 8 great years of marriage yesterday. We're working on a much longer history than that and, on August 23 this year, we will celebrate knowing each other for seventeen years. That means that I will have known my hubby for half of my life! Quite a landmark, isn't it?

I've been thinking about the unique little world that marriage creates. There are things that my husband and I enjoy, find amusing, think alike on, know about, have experienced, and so forth that no other 2 people in the world can share. Pretty neat, isn't it, when you think about your unique life as a couple? In honor of our 8 years of married life, here's a list of 8 things we have in common--when you take the list as a whole, you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone else who shares all 8. I'm writing this off the top of my head--I'm sure I've left things out! I need hardly state, I hope, that we love each other and share that!

(In no particular order)
1. Our faith

2. Our families and our children: the 3 musketeers (and our first "children"--2 large, lovable labs)

3. Our friends: Too many to list! But they range from folks we've known most of our lives and their spouses (Ken and Melanie, Kevin and Betsy, Leah and Norman, and so on) to folks we met in college (like Todd and Liz, Andy and Lynn, Dave and Meadow, Sarah, Kathy and Brian, Heather and Mark, Heather, and so on) to new friends (Todd and Karen, Philip and Bridgette, Curt and Sara, Lief and Stephanie, Lisa and Jonathan, and so on)

4. Our quirky TV interests: Monarch of the Glen, Corner Gas, Ballykissangel, Hamish Macbeth, the new Doctor Who, Big Bang Theory, Chuck, Hidden Hills (a nice little sitcom that aired the first year we were married), Psych, The Office, and so on.

5. Our varied musical loves: everything from Rachmaninoff, Bach, Joplin, Gershwin, Dvorak, Debussy to U2, Eddie from Ohio, Alison Krauss, Wynton Marsalis, etc. (too many to list, really)

6. Our trips: Outer Banks, Grand Canyon and related parks, San Francisco, Biltmore/Asheville, Charleston, Greenville, Memphis, Delaware, and others.

7. Our trials: (these really bring you together, don't they?!) Things like grad school, tough jobs, sickness, multiples (as in twins), budgeting, moving, deaths in our families, etc.

8. Our joys: (so many common interests) Hiking, gardening, culinary experiences (especially ethnic and/or regionally interesting), discussing religious/ethical/intellectual issues, good music, cooking, education, Scotland and all things related, Hobnobs, travel, being out in nature, museums, games (board- and card-), homemade blackberry jam, .... this list could go on and on and on.




What is unique about your little world of marriage?

Supporting Your Husband: a Dose of Perspective

Perhaps you have a number of items on your "to do" list this time of year that revolve about creating the perfect Christmas for people, whether that be buying gifts, making gifts, sending out the perfect Christmas card photo, or decorating your house to the max. I know many women who, like myself, enjoy making things for people and are also on a budget. For us, Christmas "to do" lists seem larger than life: make Christmas stockings for the kids next week, make candy for Johnny's Sunday School teacher this weekend, buy the Christmas tree TONIGHT because it's on sale, decorate said Christmas tree TOMORROW because Christmas party is THIS WEEKEND, wrap secret Santa present for hubby's work TODAY, order photo cards THIS WEEK so they'll get in the mail on time, and on and on and on....

Where are our families in all this mess? Specifically, where is your husband? It's easy at any time of the year to start grumbling and complaining about being a stay at home mom, watching enviously as hubby drives off to work BY HIMSELF in that car with a glorious commute to work that doesn't involve any little voices whining, saying "Mommy," and pointing out every single last dump truck on the way. But think about it for a minute: yes, your husband may get more "alone time" than you. Yes, he can run in the store for something quick and not have to load/unload children. Yes, he gets to work out on his way home from work. Yes, he gets to have adult conversation any time he wants it.

BUT, we stay-at-home moms have some things that are just as good--and probably which our husbands envy. Instead of complaining this season about all that you have to do, think about the following:

• Is your to do list full of things YOU have decided and/or want to do? How many of them can you farm out to others or... just not do? What is really essential for your family's celebration of our Lord's birth? (If you need a reality check here, go read Little House on the Prairie).
• Your mental to do list is rarely created by outside deadlines. If you don't get the laundry done today, who's really going to care? In contrast, if your husband doesn't meet his work deadlines on time, there can be real issues. I can guarantee that you and your hard-working husband both have stress and his is probably worse--his is put on by outside forces whereas ours is often self-created.
• When you're "stuck at home" all day long, do you sit down and check your email? Read a blog? Call a friend? Work on a sewing project here and there? Plan your garden for next year? Work on a craft with your child? Bake some cookies for the fun of it? Go outside to play with your kids? All of those things are not only optional, but usually they are for the sake of enjoyment. How many times does your husband, while at work, get to talk on the phone to a friend? Take a quick walk for some fresh air? Have some freshly baked cookies? Spend quality time with a family member? Probably not very often.
• Are you still "working" when your husband gets home? If so, then I'd suggest that you cross off some items from that to do list without doing them. I try very hard not to keep working after my husband gets home from work. I make sure the kitchen is cleaned up (often doing as many dishes before we eat as possible) and the kids are in bed. That is it. Sometimes, I'll fold laundry if we're watching a TV show. If I work on a crafty project, my Bible study, or something like that in the evening, I try my hardest to make sure it's a night when he'll be home late or he has to work from home (he used to work from home more when he was a professor; thankfully he doesn't bring much work home anymore). I do not stay up late baking cookies, writing thank you notes, doing housework, etc. in lieu of spending time with my husband.

Ladies, don't let your Christmas wishes/hopes/to do lists take away from your time with your husband. Don't you think he's feeling the stress of working hard in order to pay for the perfect Christmas? Make sure you include him in things if he's interested. Save decorating the tree or making that gingerbread house with the kids until the weekend so he can take part. RELAX about all of your personal deadlines. If the Christmas cards are late, so what. Making Christmas meaningful and "fun" for our families includes making it that way for our husbands as well as making it that way for our kids.

If At First You Don't Succeed....

Proverbs 24:16 " For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again..."

Ever feel like a Job. Well, here is my Job rant for the day. A week ago Monday was a BAD parenting day. I joke, my husband had to call and "instill the fear of God" since he was out of town. Tuesday, my fuel pump went out at an intersection-I was the first one in line to go and couldn't. Wednesday, our date night was spent replacing the radiator in the other car. Thursday, a challenging relative came and brought us another car and has stayed until at least today. There is a new hole in the side wall of a newer tire that we now have to replace. Sunday our VBS starts and I'm in charge of crafts for 120+ kids and because of all the aforementioned stuff, I am WAY behind. Today my husband has to have an MRI on his back. Yesterday he spent all day in a contractors office on a big job he might not even get (unethical reasons too!).

So where does that leave us. Well, first, what a great verse in Proverbs. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to play the sluggard and pull the sheets over my head. And second, what is the saying, "Satan is alive and well on planet earth."

For the righteous part, I think we can have good things come from bad situations. We have had to be willing to except a not so perfect car, but hey, we have a car. Things/issues that have been building in our marriage have come to the surface, and we have been able to deal with them in a way I feel has been honoring to God and our marriage. We have come to lean on and receive support from some great friends here locally. And my husband has been able to see the positive side to a lot of this (it used to be always me trying to be positive.)

For the Satan attacking you part of things. Well...I honestly think that is part of it. I mean, he took away everything that Job had-why can't he do the same to us. And he knows where it hurts. We don't have new cars, so there's always some kind of maintenance. But seriously! How much in one week! And the relative...well, this has caused a big strain on our marriage-even before this instance. It's like the thorn in our flesh.

So where does this all leave us. Well, I think God does try to teach us things. And no, we won't collapse. 1 Corinthians 10:13 "...And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bare. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Hot dog. No worries, right :-). But I think it also means, we have to be willing to take the way out that he has provided, whether we want to or not.

And I think he gives us tools to overcome those areas that Satan can get to us. He knows it happens-he even had to tell Peter to "get behind me Satan". For the marriage things that were going bad, it caused us to discuss things that hadn't been discussed. And to come up with a plan to deal with it. We are bigger than the problems the relative causes. It was our own way of saying, "get behind me Satan", we are bigger than this and your not going to win.

If it's any encouragement to any of you...since we all know we live in a fallen world and bad things happen...here is my favorite verse:

Isaiah 40:31 "They that wait (or hope) on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."*

*I did quote this verse from memory-I may not be totally accurate in all my punctuation, etc.

Loving Our Husbands (and our families)

I studied a great book with a few other women this past summer: Becoming the Woman of His Dreams by Sharon Jaynes. Initially I thought the title pretty cheesy; the content of the book, however, is terrific. Jaynes breaks down 7 areas in which we wives can be the woman of our husband's dreams. Throughout the book, she uses many Scripture references to back up her points--the part I appreciated most on my first read through the book was that she used Scripture references beyond those normally offered to wives (you know, beyond the "submit" passages or "a good wife is better than rubies"). She points out, for instance, that 1 Corinthians 13 should be applied to the way we love our husbands--not just a general way to love others. She outlines all the many times Paul encourages believers to be constant in prayer--doesn't that mean we need to be constant in prayer for our husbands?

Dostoevsky, in his amazing book The Brothers Karamazov, has a fascinating chapter titled "The Grand Inquisitor" in which a character expounds on this idea of loving those close to you. It's definitely easier to profess love for the starving children in Africa or the persecuted church in the Middle East (you might even send money or pray for these groups) than it is to love those in our own homes or our real, next door neighbor. Why? We see all the faults of those close to us. We let little things get in the way of our love; I believe an example in Dostoevsky's book is the way someone chews his or her food. If it's annoying, it can keep us from loving someone.

C. S. Lewis offers similar insights in his Screwtape Letters. In this book, a senior demon is training a younger demon in the arts of temptation and swaying people away from the Lord. One of his tips: get the "patient" in question to start focusing on the irritating little things his mother is doing rather than focusing on the real ways he can love and serve her.

Why do I mention these? Is my husband bothering me? Are my kids driving me up a wall? Not really. I've just been praying through some Scripture that is general in nature, not directed specifically at families, and was struck by the difference these actions/ideas/attitudes would make in our own homes. Some of these verses are ones Jaynes offers in her book as prayers to pray for our husbands, inserting their names as we pray. Praying Scripture is a powerful tool, the Sword of the Spirit. So, in the coming days, I'll offer up some of these Scriptural prayers. I encourage you to pick one or two and pray through them for you husband and your children. If you need an attitude check, I can guarantee you that this will help! If you've begun to focus on irritating little habits or started to notice a bothersome trait in someone in your household, try praying through one of these verses for that person instead. Our prayers become so earthly-focused. Scriptural prayers help reorient our thoughts to what is really important.

Carrie has already given us a great list of verses to pray through for our children. See her post on Teabag Verses for Students and Moms.

Wish I'd Written This...

I (Betsy) don't know this girl, but I love this post and I love the SWAK challenge she's issuing. So, click on the "button" on the side bar I just added (sorry, Carrie--didn't check with you first, but I'm assuming you'll be in on this one, too). Or, click on this link to the SWAK Challenge info. There's an additional challenge linked in the SWAK Challenge. Married ladies only! No Boys Allowed.